Tag: self worth

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Episode 99: Money Values

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Today we’re going to talk about how your money values affect the quality of clients you attract and how to hack your own brain to improve both!

Today‘s episode is a short one, but a powerful one.

There is a pile of research that shows the old adage – that ‘like attracts like’ – is true.

An article in the Huff Post, written by PhD Margaret Paul, provides a great summary of how and why this occurs in relationships.

This is very relevant to today’s episode, because let’s face it – your life and your business are FULL of relationships, including relationships that are based around money.

I want to read you a direct quote from the article:

“While no one deliberately seeks out someone who is closed, negative and needy, if this is you, this is what you will attract into your life. If you want a loving relationship, then you need to do the work of learning how to take emotional responsibility.” 

Dr Paul’s antidote for attracting the wrong kind of people into your life is to take stock of the way you treat yourself, and to work on your own mind, thoughts, feelings and actions.

Who Are You Attracting?

Start by looking at the types of clients you typically attract.

Are they penny pinchers? 

Are they fearful of spending money? 

Do they find it hard to say no?

Do they see spending on themselves as wasteful, or a risk?

Let’s first acknowledge that this is NOT a sustainable business model.

But further, if your clients behave like this then it is a pretty good indication that your money values are similar and you’ll continue to attract people like this.

What you say to yourself repeatedly is both an instruction to your body on how to act, but also, it creates or reinforces your beliefs.

If you don’t value yourself, if you find it hard to ask for money, or if you just want to help people who have nothing, then you’ll remain stuck in this space and it will be difficult to build a business, let alone a viable one.

So, what’s the answer?

It’s that you’ll need to work on your thoughts so you can change your own beliefs.

What you say to yourself repeatedly is both an instruction to your body on how to act, but also, it creates or reinforces your beliefs.

The first question I’d invite you to ask yourself is – is business really for me?  I recommend thinking long and hard about whether you are willing to do the mindset work required to run a successful business.

This means actively working on your self-talk and your self-worth, so that you can start to change your money values over a period of time – perhaps a few months.

If you feel that this is definitely what you want – not to work for someone else but to truly run your own business, then let’s talk about what you can do in the meantime to start shifting your money values.

Becoming Buyable

Even if your money values need a bit of work, there are some things you can do right now to help you communicate value to your clients – and yourself – more easily.

1. Describe services as affordable and set prices that feel good to you, right now.

The word affordable has a positive ring to it and creates openness around pricing for both you and your client.

Now, to get your pricing right, I developed something I call the goldilocks pricing method, and it works like this.

If your fees are too high in your own mind, you’ll feel scared to ask for the money and it will block you from selling. Your clients will sense the doubt in you and it will transfer to them!

If your fees are too low in your mind, you’ll feel resentful about being paid too little and it will show up as negative energy around your product.

Remember that this pricing is relevant right now, and that you can revise and increase it whenever you like.

2. Communicate value, not price

When we focus on talking about price, we draw attention to the price, and it becomes the main event and the main factor affecting someone’s decision to buy or not.

It’s WAY better to prove the value of what you offer.

To do this, you can talk to potential clients about the value of what you’re doing in terms of:

what it will save them e.g. they’re no longer going to spend $100 per week on wine

  • what they might be able to let go of e.g. no more toxic relationships, or may be able to come of medications with doctors help
  • the value of tangible elements e.g. physical resources that are included such as a welcome pack, a journal etc
  • what it’s worth e.g. testimonials, where clients gush about the value of working with you and how it’s changed their lives
  • what they will gain e.g. typical results from other clients, outcomes they wish to realise that are valuable to them.

3. Make charity a longer term goal

I have seen people start businesses with the sole aim of helping those who are less fortunate – and not wanting or being able to charge very much – then failing in business because they couldn’t meet their income needs.

Quite simply, it’s better to make your money first, then you are way better positioned to help people who are less fortunate!

Summary

Today we discussed the fact that like attracts like – it’s a proven phenomenon.

That means if you have poor money values, you will probably attract those kinds of clients into your life and it will hinder your ability to build a profitable business!

The first thing to ask yourself is whether you are really cut out for business – whether you are prepared to do the mental or mindset work required to do it justice.

And if you are, then changing your self talk around money will be a priority for you. 

In the meantime, how can you attract clients who are willing to pay?

Coaches help people accumulate good habits that will help them achieve. 

Firstly, by describing your services as affordable, and setting a price that is comfortable to you, using my goldilocks method.

Secondly, by shifting the conversation away from price and onto value.

Thirdly, for those of you who want to help the disadvantaged, it will probably be easier if you create profitable business first, then make charity your longer term goal.

Coaches help people accumulate good habits that will help them achieve. 

Ready to change your money values?

You can change your relationship with money by changing the way you think! If you’re truly ready to break old habits and get out of the rut I encourage you to check out the Habitology membership.

Learn more here:

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Episode 73: The Three Best Ways to Build Self-Confidence

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Do you really wish you were more self confident but aren’t sure where or how to start?

Then this episode is just for you.

Self-confidence is a skill that anyone can learn.

And I want to walk through three things that you can do to start building self-confidence, so you can show up and be more powerful in your own life and in the world.

What is Self-Confidence?

A  nice simple definition of self-confidence is to be secure in yourself and your abilities.

I believe self-confidence comes from three things; trust, a sense of competence and your ability to value yourself. 

You may like to go back and listen to Episode 72 for more information on developing Unwavering Self-Confidence.

Why would you want to become self-confident?

Well, there are lots of great reasons.

When you are self-confident, you can handle your emotions better.

You will feel more in control of yourself and your life. 

You will become more self-reliant, which means you can make better decisions for yourself, trust your own instincts and look after yourself better.

When you’re self-confident, you will probably speak to yourself more kindly and be a happier person who achieves what they want in life.

It sounds like a great place to be, doesn’t it? 

So, how do you get there?

The Shy Little Rabbit

I would like to share my own experience of developing self-confidence as it may be relevant to you.

As a small child, I was what you would call painfully shy. 

What I mean by that at adult parties I would be terrified of playing with other kids or even speaking to other kids, so I would sit next to my mum all night while she spoke to the adults and I would enviously stare at all the children having fun around me. 

At primary school, I didn’t raise my hand in class even though I knew the answer because I was terrified of being wrong or being judged. 

As a teenager I was uncomfortable about who I was and having any attention paid to me so I sat quietly at school and had just a couple of close friends because I didn’t feel confident enough to join in with social groups and activities that my peers were involved in. 

And when it came to my first serious dinner date with a new boyfriend, I was so self-conscious about having him see me eating that I struggled to eat much of anything at all.

Through my growing up years, I wasn’t secure in myself, I doubted my abilities and I found it hard to value myself or my opinion.

I struggled at job interviews in my 20’s, and I feared judgement in social circles so was never willing to put forward an opinion or take a stand for anything.

So a lot of the time I sat on the sidelines.

I was a watcher; a listener, a passenger on the bus.

But I felt that life was passing me by and that I was capable of so much more and helping so many more people – if only I had the self-confidence!

Does any of this resonate with you?

Have you felt like this before?

Fast forward to today and I am confidently and competently running my own successful business.

I am a contract coach trainer for Australia’s leading Coach Training organisation. I’m very comfortable on camera, doing Facebook lives, and in any sort of public speaking event. 

In the past few years, I’ve danced in a troupe in front of 10,000 people on stage, performed in various concerts, and have presented at local and international conferences with ease and confidence.

These days, I trust myself, back myself and I recognise what I am capable of. 

I’d like to share three things that I have done to help me develop self-confidence.

1 – Change your self-talk and thinking patterns

 

The most powerful thing you can do to build self confidence is to change the way you talk to yourself and to observe and start to change your automatic thinking patterns. 

I didn’t know about the power of changing your self-talk when I was growing up, but I really wish I had started there because I would have become self confident far more quickly & easily.

The reason self-talk and thinking patterns are so powerful is that most of our thoughts are unconscious, and negative.

I believe that as a society we tend to condone the behaviour of self-deprecation, of de-valuing our efforts or diminishing ourselves in front of others. 

People call it being humble. But I disagree and I really want to challenge this paradigm.

The dictionary definition of the word humble is “having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s importance.”

But the VIA Institute on character has a more accurate definition of humility as a character strength. 

They say a common misconception is that humility involves low self-esteem and worthiness or a lack of self-focus. 

But true humility means that you can accurately assess your own skills, you can recognise your limitations, you can keep your accomplishments in perspective and you’re not distorting any part of your own image, representing yourself and your capabilities accurately.

True humility means that you can accurately assess your own skills, you can recognise your limitations, you can keep your accomplishments in perspective.

So back to the concept of self-talk and thinking patterns.

It’s as simple as this: if you are thinking accurate, factual and positive thoughts about yourself and your abilities, you will develop self-confidence.

If you are criticising yourself, doubting your abilities or judging yourself, you will create self-doubt.

Thoughts are just statements that, when repeated, become your beliefs.

So how do you change your self-talk and thinking patterns?

The first step is to start watching your thoughts and noticing how you talk to yourself, and what you are thinking about yourself.

The next step is to replace any negative or unhelpful thoughts into something factual and non judgemental.

For example, if you catch yourself thinking something like “I can’t do this”, then you could change that thought into a question, like “what do I need to learn so I can do this?”.

Since our thoughts are largely unconscious and automatic, it is really helpful if you work with a coach to uncover your hidden thoughts, and to learn how to self coach as we do in my membership.

2 – Set and Achieve Stretch Goals

You probably would agree that a lot of people start with action rather than thought because they’re not aware of the impact of thought work, or perhaps they think that actions are easier to start with.

We see it everywhere: people tend to start with a gym membership, or a diet, or some other sort of action rather than examining the thoughts and motivators that drive those actions. 

Before I had any awareness of the power of my mind I would use stretch goals to help me do things that I lack confidence to do otherwise. 

I didn’t know that by changing my thinking I could develop more self belief more quickly and I wish I had started there, because I would have managed failure a lot better and become stronger and more resilient. 

In any case, I learned that if I dug deep and found courage, and took action despite my fear, then I felt good about what I was achieving. 

The added bonus for me was that taking physical action gave me tangible proof that I had some sort of skill or ability or confidence to do something, and the sense of accomplishment felt more real.

So while it’s important to change your self-talk, it’s equally important to set and achieve stretch goals.

Here are a few of the bigger stretch goals that I have done through the years. 

They mostly involve being in the public eye somehow, I think because I found it harder to back out of something and perhaps a little more of an accomplishment to put yourself out there.

  • At high school; volunteered to do a role play with two other students in Year 11 English class (I got a standing ovation! LOL)
  • On a Bali holiday, I was asked to do catwalk modeling of locally made leather clothes at a big tourist party and saw this would be good for developing posture and presence.
  • At university, I did a presentation on my honours project at an International Wetlands Conference with an audience of around 300 people (scary – but a way to build credibility and hone my speaking skills)
  • After my honours year, I put my name down to be a first year student tutor (a paid role) which involved me teaching cell biology and animal biology to classes of 25 – 40 students at a time. This taught me agility. 
  • From the age of 25 onwards, I started presenting my research and findings at environmental conferences in front of audiences of 100+ people
  • When I was 27, my boyfriend at the time and I rode motorcycles from Perth to Cairns, through the desert. I had three months to get my license and learn how to ride off road.
  • When I was 27, I became a company Director and Manager in our business.
  • When I was 28, I danced in a troupe in front of 10,000 people at the Perth Entertainment Centre on Australia Day.
  • When I was 38, I went for a Guinness World Record for the longest bellydance shimmy at a local health expo and was promoted in local and interstate media.

These are just examples and they may be bigger goals than you might like to stretch for. For me, these gave me a sense of validation and external feedback, of proof in the world that my goal was real, and a more tangible sense of accomplishment.

Right now you might be asking, what should my stretch goal be?

I will say that what’s most important is that you work where you are now. 

Challenge yourself to the level that is comfortable for you and will guarantee your success.

If you set goals that are a stretch, but winnable, you will build confidence. If you aim too high and fail, it may be an emotional setback.

Maybe your stretch goal would be to strike up a conversation with someone. 

Maybe it’s to ask for a raise, or to have a sales conversation.

Maybe your stretch goal is to say no to that second scoop of ice cream.

Decide on 2 – 3 goals that are meaningful for you – one action you will take each week for the next three weeks – and notice what happens.

 3 – Intentionally recognise success

The third part is so important.

Our modern epidemic is constantly striving for more, for greater expectations, without recognising how much we have done already and what our capacity is.

I call this the Pattern of Pursuit, and it’s a habit that I recommend you break.

My definition of the Pattern of Pursuit is when you are constantly achieving but not recognising your efforts, such that you feel not good enough because you are too busy doing and not taking the time to be, to reflect, and to acknowledge.

Self-confident people have humility.

And if you recall the earlier discussion on the VIA Character Institute’s definition of humility, it was being able to accurately assess and represent yourself and your capabilities.

You can only do this if you reflect on and acknowledge what you have achieved.

Further, every time you recognise your achievements, such as accomplishing your stretch goals, it generates a sense of self-confidence.

What I love most about intentionally recognising your success is that you learn to trust yourself and back yourself, and to value your own opinion and skills.

When you do this, you stop worrying about whether you are good enough. You stop worrying about what other people are doing, whether you are keeping up, and whether they are judging you.

You value your own opinion, and you start to become more self reliant, where you set your own internal standards and develop your own motivation to succeed.

It’s powerful stuff.

My favourite ways to recognise success are to:

  • Tick of tasks completed in a physical work diary
  • Monitor exercise, movement and standing on my Apple watch
  • Speak about accomplishments over dinner with my husband
  • Journal about achievements and goals.

Summary

To summarise, even the most timid little rabbit can become a self-confident person. 

Self-confidence is simply a skill you can learn.

The three easiest ways to build self confidence are:

  1. Watch and change your self-talk – through coaching, self-coaching or journalling
  2. To set and achieve stretch goals that are 100% winnable – start where you are now
  3. To use simple ways to measure and recognise your daily and weekly achievements.

Challenge yourself to the level that is comfortable for you and will guarantee your success.

If you would like to work on your self-confidence and master it, pop into the Habitology membership in February 2020 where we will be studying and self-coaching these important skills. 

I’ve included the link in the notes for this episode.

In the meantime, please comment below and let me know your favourite confidence-boosting technique. I’d love to hear all about it!

Ready to build self confidence?

Self confidence is so important when setting out to reach your potential. If you’re truly ready to break old habits and get out of the rut I encourage you to check out the Habitology membership.

Learn more here:

Learn More
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Episode 65: Discover and Communicate Your Value

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This episode is dedicated to the people out there who do amazing work but struggle to sell it because they have trouble describing the value of their work.

It breaks my heart to see skilled, talented and passionate people with so much to give, but finding it hard to get people to engage with them or buy from them.

I want to dig into this and give you some tools to discover and communicate your value.

Why Is Knowing The Value Of Your Work So Important?

FIrst and foremost, I think it’s pretty obvious that if you believe in and truly feel the value of what you do, then you will have the confidence to do it well, promote it and talk to people about it.

Your words will flow with ease. 

You feel sure of yourself and confident to describe your services.

Secondly, understanding and believing in the value of what you do will help you to 100% nail your marketing.

When you understand the value of your work, it will be EASY to develop very, very clear and compelling the words, messages, connection statements, elevator pitches, advertisements.

So, why do we get stuck?

We Are All Professionals

When we become skilled professionals, we all get stuck in this world of our own jargon. 

What I mean is this, when you learn how to do something and the methodology behind it then those are the things that stick in your mind and those of the things that you communicate. 

I remember driving on a holiday with my parents and boyfriend once. I’d just finished a university assignment on banksia woodland.

Your audience isn’t as educated as you are on those subjects and they might be 2, 5 to 10 years behind you and experience. 

And as we drove toward our holiday spot, I looked out the window and said something like, “wow, look at that low, open banksia woodland with a shrub understorey.”

Of course, my parents and boyfriend all laughed out loud. They even cried with laughter. I was SO mortified. But you get the idea. 

I was talking in my language about the bush, and they had no idea what I was going on about.

University Versus Kindergarten Knowledge

So here’s the lesson for you. Your audience isn’t as educated as you are on those subjects and they might be 2, 5 to 10 years behind you and experience. 

They’re not a scientist. They’re not a practitioner. They’re not heavily geeking it up on your area of interest.

It’s like you’re at the University level of knowledge in a particular area and your potential clients are at the kindergarten level in terms of their understanding and knowledge of that subject area. 

That’s a big reason why you’re struggling to communicate your value.

What that means is that you have to take a step back to the old you. 

You have to go right back to where you were five or 10 years ago or at least to the absolute  beginning of your journey and explore what you are feeling and thinking then, to reflect on why you were studying that, and what you needed and wanted. 

This segues into the second reason you’re finding it hard to communicate.

You Need Emotion, Not Logic

When you are in your geeky learning brain, university knowledge mode, you are using logic and jargon to talk about what you do.

But 90% of anybody’s buying decision is based on the emotion they feel when they interact with you.

You need to get out of your logical thinking and onto your passionate, emotionally heightened and ranty soap box to get people interested, engaged and believing that you are the person to help them.

This is known as ‘sharing your why’ and it’s the most powerful driving force in marketing.

That’s because your why contains your values, motivators, beliefs, and possibly life experience – all wrapped up in an emotive story.

That’s what you need to tap into.

If you believe in and truly feel the value of what you do, then you will have the confidence to do it well, promote it and talk to people about it.

Tapping Into Your Why

My friends, the value of what you do is in the result that it gives the person who’s buying it. 

Right now, I invite you to cast your mind back to the person you used to be and what you were desperate for and how much value that brought to your life. 

Think about how you would describe that value, how you would define it. 

Go back to the reason why you studied this in the first place.

That’s where your ideal client is right now, and doing this will give you some clues as to the value THEY are looking for.

Now I want to talk you through a little two-part exercise to help you to get the words right for this. 

A Two-Part Exercise

I want you to imagine that you are your customer. 

I want you to imagine that you are the you of a few years ago. 

Part 1 – Reflections

Now imagine that you are about to buy your service as a customer what is the value that you want to get out of buying your own service. 

  • Why are you buying that service? 
  • What would it mean to you if you could get the result that you wanted? 
  • What is that result? 
  • What will that allow you to do in future? 

That’s the first part of the exercise. Now let’s go to the second part. 

Part 2 – Reflections

Imagine that you have just finished using the service that you’re selling. Pretend that you’re the customer and you’ve completed this program or whatever it is.

  • How are you feeling right now? 

Write that down. 

Imagine you are giving yourself a testimonial.

  • What were you doing before the program? 
  • What did you achieve in the program? 
  • How is your world transformed now, because of that?
  • How do you feel? 
  • What have you gotten rid of? 
  • Describe the sense of accomplishment that you have? 

You noticed that I’m asking a lot about feelings here. And that’s because 90% of any buying decision is based in strong emotions. Logic makes up only 10% of the buying decision.

People buy results that they want and they want to feel a certain way. 

So our goal in marketing is to listen to what our customers are saying and to reflect that back. 

Summary

Hopefully there’s two part exercise has given you some ideas on the value of what you do by putting yourself in the customer’s shoes and by asking yourself how you felt before and after using the service, what you truly wanted and what you got from it. 

I hope this has been useful and if you are a coach who needs some help to dig into this and figure out how to clarify the value of what you do, so you can more effectively package, describe and sell the value of your services, join my new Facebook tribe – CoachingSuccessAccelerator. Doors are open, I’m so excited!

Ready to recognise and communicate your value?

Honouring your own journey is the key to communicating your value. If you’re truly ready to break old habits and get out of the rut I encourage you to check out the Habitology membership.

Learn more here:

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Episode 57: Over Helping

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This episode of the Habitology podcast is specially dedicated to people who love helping other people but sometimes take it too far – into something I call overhelping.

Some people might feel a little uncomfortable or maybe even offended when they hear me talking on this topic of over helping. 

So right up front I want to say I’m sorry if this is difficult for you to hear.  

But I’m sure once you listen to some examples and hear me out you’ll totally get what I’m saying and you might think about things a little differently from now on.

The Value of Helping

I want to start by saying very clearly that helping other people is a wonderful and admirable thing. There are millions of people in the world who are suffering right now and at any given time, so having people who want to support those people is essential for our society to survive, grow and thrive.

As long as there are people who want to help it means that we’re able to support each other and to get through difficult times. 

Support creates a sense of peace. It facilitates recovery from illness. It builds strong workplace cultures. The desire and willingness of people to help each other plays a big role in making those things happen.

I personally have always been somebody who loves helping people and that’s why I became a coach. Now that I work for a coach training school I see a lot of other people like me who just want to help people. 

In fact, that’s the number one reason that people sign up for coach training in the first place. That’s why people want to change their careers; so they can do something more meaningful and purposeful, and to help other people for a living.

So, let’s agree right up front that helping other people is valuable and necessary in our world.

With that put to bed let’s now talk about over helping. 

Helping vs Overhelping

Before we talk about over helping, let’s talk through what helping means. 

I’ll start by saying that the difference between the two is who gets empowered by the helping – the person you are trying to help, or you.

Very simplistically, in a situation where you are truly helping, you are mostly listening, then doing or saying just enough for the other person to find their own answers. 

In a situation where you are truly helping, you are mostly listening, then doing or saying just enough for the other person to find their own answers. 

When the person you are helping works things out on their own, they feel a rush of confidence at their own success and feel self empowered.

In other words, when people come up with their own ideas in the first place without anybody suggesting anything to them, or leading, or guiding, or steering, they are more likely to build self-confidence and self-belief than if somebody is telling or suggesting what they should do.

I want you to contrast that with over helping, where you provide the solution to the other person, therefore establishing your position as the expert and empowering yourself, bolstering your own confidence. 

What happens to the person you’re helping when you have all the answers? They’ve just learned that you know more than they do and that they don’t know enough. They have just been unwittingly disempowered.

Overhelping 

Overhelping is when you cross the boundaries and give too much opinion, ideas, suggestions or advice.

It is when you impart your wisdom or thoughts to steer or guide the person you are helping in a way that you think is best for them.

This removes their power of choice, it shows a lack of respect for their ideas and needs, and it shifts the focus away from them and onto you. You become the hero in their journey, not them, so it feels like a hollow victory.

At the worst, over helping results in total disempowerment of the person you are seeking to help.

Over helping often results in maintaining the status quo – that is, the helped person stays stuck – and it can also cause conflict, stalemates, and at worst case the breakdown of relationships.

And in fact, the first sign of Overhelping is resistance or tension in the other person you are trying to help!

I want to give you a couple of real life examples to illustrate this. These are true!

He is the first example.

Overhelping Examples

Getting Sick

Two women became acquainted through a social group. 

Soon after that, one of the women was struck down with a terrible illness. She lived on her own and was having to do everything for herself. 

The other woman happened to hear about the first woman’s challenges, and so she decided that she would be helpful and come around to cooking, washing those sorts of things as she had professional health training and knew she could assist. 

This support was initially welcomed, but at some point the woman who was ill started feeling smothered. It was too much. 

She wanted time and space to process this on her own without anybody else in her small house taking up her mental and physical space. So she politely asked the other woman not to come anymore. 

But this other woman just wanted to help. And being a health professional she felt that she knew better than the woman who was sick. 

What ensued was a terrible argument and a terrible falling out between these two women. 

But the helper could not reconcile that the invalid didn’t want to be helped and didn’t actually need help. She persisted relentlessly to breaking point. 

How might that conflict help a woman who is terribly ill? Sometimes our desire to help defies all logic and we fall into the trap of over helping.

This really illustrates pretty clearly how over helping is more about the person doing the helping then it is about the person receiving the help. It is about the helper feeling good about themselves because they are helping someone.

The Over Excited Expert

Here’s another example of over helping. 

Mish is a marathon runner. Her best friend Ally is a little on the heavy side and wants to take up running to lose some weight. Although Ally is outgoing, she is quite self conscious about her weight and is somewhat intimidated by Mish’s achievements.

But Mish is obviously an expert so Ally decides to ask her for help to start running.

Mish is so thrilled that Ally has finally taken the plunge into running and wants some help. She sits with Ally and reassures her. By the way, reassurance is a form of judgment.

Then, Mish helps Ally create a running plan for the next 12 weeks, with gradual increases in pace and distance over the period. Ally is nervous but excited. Mish offered to support her along the way and Ally is keen.

Mish gets so pumped about this plan that she gushes with enthusiasm about Ally’s new running regime. And the more she gushes, the more self conscious Ally becomes. Suddenly, it’s feeling like she has a lot to live up to.

Two weeks in, Ally falls into a slump after a few stressful days at work and doesn’t feel like running. Mish sends a couple of text messages to pump her up, but they go unanswered.

Ally is receiving them and feeling guiltier as time goes on at not responding. Mish persists, and eventually leaves a voicemail with a supposedly motivational message – come on, get back on the horse, you can do it.

But Ally doesn’t see it as motivational. She feels embarrassed that her marathon runner friend is literally chasing her and inadvertently pointing out her mistakes. 

It’s no use. She doesn’t have the discipline and can-do attitude toward running that Mish has. She should quit now before she feels like a total failure.

So in that situation, Mish has not acknowledged that Ally is a total beginner and needs to work at her own pace. Mish is not respecting how Ally feels, or noticing her lack of confidence. Ally interprets that as expectations and standards that she can’t reach – because she is not good enough.

These are just two examples.

Overhelping shows up in many other ways – like doing things for others and feeling resentful if they don’t give you enough recognition. Or when needing to help consumes you to the point that you feel lost if you are not helping.

As you can hear, all of these things are much more about the helper than they are about the helpee.

A Coaching Perspective on Helping

In coaching school we are taught that people are more likely to become empowered, and to take responsibility for their own lives, if they come up with their own ideas, answers and solutions.

The most tempting thing for a new coach is to jump in with a ‘have you tried this?’ Or ‘what about that?’ But we must sit there silently and let our clients figure it out for themselves.

You might want to listen to my podcast on empowerment – #53 – I’ll put a link in the show notes.

So just set the scene here is what happens in a coaching session with an experienced coach. 

The coach will ask their client all about themselves. The coach will reflect back what they hear the client say.

Then the coach will ask some really broad questions that will get the client to come up with their own answers. 

People are more likely to become empowered, and to take responsibility for their own lives, if they come up with their own ideas, answers and solutions.

There is no suggestion or a ‘great idea’ or leading questions or any of that from the coach. Unless the client is specifically asking for ideas and suggestions or unless there is a glaring risk that the coach can see, their job is to stay out of the process. 

The hardest thing for the coach at this point is to see their clients struggling with discomfort. 

We see our clients feeling unsure of themselves, not believing in themselves, feeling hesitant, worrying about making mistakes, and when we see these things on their faces and we hear these things in their voices, we desperately want to help. 

Do you recognise the discomfort of that feeling? Seeing someone struggle to find the answer and just wanting to jump in there and help them?

It’s human nature to want to suggest things, to ask ‘have you thought about this?’ or ‘what about that?’

There’s a psychological term to describe this – it’s called the Righting Reflex. 

But in that moment when we want to make things right, what we’re doing is robbing that person of the opportunity to stand up for themselves and to make some decisions for themselves. We are robbing their moment of self empowerment.  

It is such an important and critical time in the clients journey to becoming empowered, that we want to just be silent to avoid interfering with, or blocking the aha moment. 

So the coach really needs to get out of the way and let the client do the work even if it’s a little bit uncomfortable at first. The reward will be way sweeter and greater when this happens.

Now this is great if you’ve done coach training and you understand these principles and you’ve had a lot of practice with clients. 

Let’s say that you’ve become very good at listening and not interfering. That’s fabulous because it means that when clients come to see you they can truly become empowered. It means they feel confident to make decisions for themselves, and make choices that are meaningful and relevant for them. 

It means that they will start to create success on their own terms and feel good about it and this will have a flow-on effect in all areas of their lives including all of the relationships they are currently having their lives.

How to Stop Overhelping

There are four things you need to do if you want to stop Overhelping.

The first is to become self aware; to become the watcher of your thoughts, so you can notice the urge to help when it comes up. That gives you time to temper your thoughts and head off Overhelping at the pass.

The second thing is to listen to and truly hear what the other person wants and needs – before you offer help.

The third is to ask the person how they would like you to help them.

And finally, whatever they say – honour it – do what they ask, and nothing more.

Summary

The difference between helping and Overhelping is who ends up being empowered – the helpee, or the helper.

The first sign of Overhelping is resistance or tension or defensiveness in the person being helped. The four step process to stop Overhelping is to:

  1. Watch your thoughts
  2. Listen to the helpee
  3. Ask how you can help
  4. Respect their request. 

Ready to learn how to give the right kind of help?

If you need assistance with Overhelping, visit www.melaniejwhite.com/habitology and learn more about how I can help you to help people effectively and with confidence and clear boundaries. 

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Episode 48: What’s Behind Your Time and Money Beliefs?

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Have you ever wondered what’s behind your time and money beliefs?

When you become aware of a limiting belief, have you rushed right into positive affirmations, or have you been curious about the origin of that belief?

I love affirmations, but I think a brief exploration of the things going on behind the belief can give you a lot of clarity as to how to resolve the belief.

I’m not talking about going back into your deep dark past and excavating all the terrible things that happened to you.

I’m talking about getting some clarity so you can figure out the actions you need to take to move forward.

This is how I problem solve everything.

When something is wrong, I go upstream to the source of the problem as this helps me to truly and effectively solve it.

This episode has come about after a recent conversation with a fellow coach about time and money. After we chatted at length, I thought more deeply about what sits behind time and money beliefs, specifically.

And it was such a rich and eye opening conversation for me that I want to explore the topic with you today and ask some questions to get you thinking about where your beliefs come from, to help you direct your own reflections and create self-talk that will generate healthier beliefs.

After all, if you have blocks around time, or blocks around money or both, it’s going to impact your success in business.

Thinking about your beliefs about money or time.

Write down three things main ones that come to your mind right now – don’t think deeply, just trust that the right answers will come out.

Now let’s look at where these beliefs might come from.

I am going to share the three common categories of beliefs that coaches tell me they struggle with and see if you can hear yourself in these.

Then we’ll talk about some really simple ways you can overcome them.

A simple way to start changing any time or money beliefs that are based in self-worth is to get really clear on your values and to find the reason behind them. 

Figure out what you stand for and what is important to you and why.

Money beliefs based in self-efficacy and self-esteem

The first category I’ve created is money beliefs don’t directly discuss money, per se. But they go something like this.

  • Who am I to be a coach? I’m not the best role model/people won’t pay.
  • I don’t know enough for people to buy from me
  • I’m not experienced enough for people to pay that
  • I am not looking after my own wellbeing, how can I help others?

On the surface, these sorts of thoughts seem to be about a lack of belief in the value of what you do. 

But look deeper and you’ll notice that the feeling associated with them is usually a sense that you lack skills and experience more than anything else.

I think these types of money belief comes from a lack of self-efficacy – our belief in our ability to do certain things – or self-esteem – or how we evaluate our qualities and attributes.

In either case, I notice that people who feel too inexperienced find it’s hard to ask for money. 

They feel like you can’t charge anything, or very much, because they’re not a very good coach (yet).

Ok, so let’s look at the second category.

Beliefs based in self-worth

The next category of beliefs are more directly about money, and they are beliefs based in self-worth. They include things like:

  • I hate sales
  • I hate marketing
  • What if they say no?
  • I don’t want to be pushy
  • I’m not comfortable asking for money

Are these the kinds of things you say to yourself?

To me, these beliefs seem to be more about whether people like you or not. 

They could include some of the self-esteem or self-efficacy type beliefs mentioned earlier, but notice the language here. 

It’s more about you and how you might be perceived or judged.

That’s why I think these sorts of beliefs seem to be based more in your sense of self-worth – what you as a person have to offer – more so than your skills or experience as a coach.

The fear of being disliked is a real challenge for a lot of people. I struggled with this for many years so I know it well.

And I think what accompanies these types of beliefs are a lack of boundaries. 

You find it hard to speak up for yourself, you might want to please clients no matter what, schedule sessions on any day at any time, and give sessions for free or heavily discounted so that you can say you have clients and feel like you’re helping people. 

You give yourself away.

Now let’s look at my third category of beliefs and these are more about time.

Time beliefs based around boundaries

If we look at beliefs around time, we may see other types of patterns emerging. 

There are some beliefs that are more about effort, like:

  • I’ll have to work hard to earn that much
  • I’ll have to give up my weekends
  • I’ll get stressed
  • It’ll make me too anxious
  • It’s too much work

To me, these beliefs are also about boundaries and ultimately self-worth as discussed previously.

Think about it, if you valued your time you would find a way to manage it. You’d be committed to learning how to do that.

And if you felt that you could charge enough, had confidence in your ability to organise your time, and trusted yourself to stay focused and on track, the time, energy and stress wouldn’t be part of the equation.

At the core, these sorts of beliefs seem to be about backing yourself and believing in yourself – your ability to pull it off.

Some Simple and Effective Solutions

Knowing that these sorts of beliefs exist, let’s consider how to resolve them for good.

Self-efficacy

Think about the negative money or time beliefs that revolve around your ability to do something – your skill – also known as self-efficacy.

A good analogy for these sorts of beliefs could be thinking about what it takes to become good at playing the piano.

You could study piles and piles of books, learn the theory, watch YouTube videos and the like. But understanding that theory will never make you a good piano player.

You actually have to play.

And in the beginning, unless you are a natural at it, you are going to be shit. 

Or you are at least going to make mistakes.

But you need to persist and keep going and practicing if you want to become good.

And the second part to that is to write a reflection on how you went after each coaching session. This is how you learn to see the good as well as the areas that need work. This is where you see tangible shifts in your own professional development.

So to build self-efficacy and self-esteem, you need to practice, but you also need to reflect on each session and watch yourself grow.

These two critical pieces will help you move forward and recognise your ability – it will double the rate at which you become accomplished because you will learn so much from doing this.

Find practice clients who are ready, willing and able to be coached, and start there.

Then practice and reflect, practice and reflect, practice and reflect.

From there will come your sense of accomplishment.

Self-Worth

A simple way to start changing any time or money beliefs that are based in self-worth is to get really clear on your values and to find the why behind them. 

Figure out what you stand for and what is important to you and why.

This includes some of the reflection work mentioned earlier; reflecting on your practice and recognising the value that you offer through coaching; reading your testimonials, noticing the shifts, seeing the aha moments.

Then, start a practice of upholding your personal values and standing by the value of your coaching skills in your everyday life and in your business.

To uphold your values, you will need to need to set and maintain some boundaries.

That is to say, you can only maintain boundaries when you know what is important to you.

It will feel a little uncomfortable at first if you have to say no, I’m not available on weekends.

You might feel squeamish if you say, that is the price for the program, I can do a payment option or an up front payment, those are my options. 

It might feel like you are rejecting the other person, or being unfair or letting them down.

But you are actually sending a message that says ‘For the right person, I am worth it, and I can truly help them.’

If you can shift this around you’ll start attracting clients who are prepared to pay because they will be drawn to your confidence, energy and sense of worth. 

Ready to reshape your narrative around time and money?

It’s time to find value your self worth! If you’re truly ready to break old habits and get out of the rut I encourage you to check out the Habitology membership.

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Episode 43: Changing Beliefs About Money

Episode 43: Changing Beliefs About Money

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Have you ever wondered why you can’t seem to earn more? Or do you ever wish you could find a way to earn enough money, some day, somehow?

Our society places a strong focus on money and the perceived benefits it gives us. We’ve been socialised to adopt certain beliefs and judgements about money and how much people have.

Today, I want to invite you to blow all that BS out of your paradigm so you can get on with creating the money you want.

And when I say that, I mean that how much you want and what you earn is totally, 100% up to you. Maybe you WANT to create $25K per year and that’s enough. Maybe you WANT to create $200K per year and that’s enough. Whatever your situation, the most important thing is that you feel confident and capable of creating exactly what you need, and you enjoy the experience of money regardless of how much you make.

And that’s what I want to talk about today.

I want to explore with you how to start changing your beliefs about money so you can develop a healthier relationship with money and start giving and receiving it in a balanced and healthy way.

First let’s consider what defines your experience with money, then your values around money, some examples of beliefs that might prevent you from earning more, and finally, a simple method to shift your beliefs.

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What Defines Your Experience With Money?

Have you ever wondered how some people can be thoroughly content and happy, even when they have little money? Or why others, who have all the money in the world, are stressed and miserable?

The idea that money can’t buy happiness is certainly true. But that doesn’t stop us from having a fixation about money, whether it’s how to get it, having enough, or wanting more.

I think it’s so interesting that money itself is a benign object. It’s just paper and metal, and in the examples I’ve just given you, it’s pretty clear that it’s our beliefs about money that affect the value we place on it and therefore, our experience of money and how much we create for ourselves. 

Remember that a belief is a sentence that you tell yourself repeatedly until you are convinced. So when you have a certain belief about money – and a mantra that you repeat regularly – it will shape the actions you take and the results you get.

Your beliefs are what defines your experience with money. Your beliefs are what you need to change if you want to earn more. And the beliefs you have right now are often shaped by your long-standing beliefs which are also known as values.

Values Around Spending Money

Think about that for a moment in the context of spending money – and what something is worth to you.  

Let’s say that you are in a shop and you see a shirt that you like the look of. You check the price tag and then make an instant value judgement on whether that thing is ‘worth it’ or not. If you say to yourself – “That’s too expensive” – then your feeling will be disinterested and you will walk away. The result is that you won’t buy the shirt.

What about a different belief?

What if you felt that looking good and dressing smartly could make or break your business because it affected people’s perception of you? That $100 shirt would be a no-brainer for you in that case.

And so what we are looking at here is not the cost of the item, but the perceived value attached to it.

I believe that our personal values have a strong influence on our relationship with money. For example, if community and fairness were strong values for you, you might have no hesitation in sponsoring a child in a third world country. To you, this is an important contribution that you want to make.

Or, if health and wellbeing were strong values for you, you might want to have the best dentist, the best specialist and the best doctor working with you and spend money on regular checkups with these professionals.

If wealth and security are strong values for you, you might live very frugally and work hard to earn more income.

As you can see, what we value and believe has a massive influence on how we spend money, but also, how we make it.

If you place a higher value on yourself or your work, then you will find it easier to receive money. If you find it hard to see the value in yourself or what you do, then it will feel harder to receive money.

Values Around Receiving Money 

What happens when you put yourself on the receiving end?

If someone gave you a pile of money – say a prize winning or an inheritance – how would you feel about receiving that?

What if you were given money as a salary in exchange for work that you did for an employer? How do you feel about that?

What if the money came as a result of a service you personally delivered to someone in your own business?

What if the money came from something you created, like an artwork?

As I go through this list, notice that the method of earning becomes more and more personal. Some of you might notice that you started feeling more and more squeamish as I progressed. To me, that simply illustrates that, just like spending money, receiving money has it’s own set of values and emotions.

If you place a higher value on yourself or your work, then you will find it easier to receive money. If you find it hard to see the value in yourself or what you do, then it will feel harder to receive money.

Whether or not you are aware of your thoughts and beliefs around money, you can look to your body for clues about what’s going on in your brain.

When I work with coaches around price-setting, I ask them to start with their physical reactions to money to get their pricing right.

  • If your pricing is too high, you will feel squeamish and uncomfortable; it will be VERY difficult to ask your potential customers for money and it will impact your sales process.
  • If your pricing is too low, you may feel resentful and frustrated; your attention to detail and ability to deliver value to your clients will be low and it will impact your customer experience and therefore, your sales process.

This is a really simple way to work out how you feel about giving or receiving money. The values or long-held beliefs you have strongly influence what you believe right now about money. Your values form your ‘starting position’, if you like, and then you tend to build beliefs around those values that are aligned with them. 

You may like to complete the VIA character strengths test to work out your top 5 signature strengths and reflect on how they influence your spending and earning beliefs. 

Money beliefs

A belief is simply a sentence that we have said to ourselves repeatedly. It’s something we are convinced is true.

And what you believe about money and your relationship with it is the key to unlocking wealth.

My first real experience with money beliefs was in the 90’s and naughties when I was the GM and director of an environmental consulting company. Our company paid staff slightly above market rates with plenty of time and flexibility benefits, shareholding opportunities, extra earning opportunities and a bonus system. And we had 40 staff and we completed performance reviews every six months, where staff self-rated performance and growth, and we talked about progression and salary. Out of those reviews came some very interesting conversations about money based on totally different values and belief systems. Some staff member would walk into the review every six months with a well-prepared case as to why they should be given a pay rise and they pursued that assertively. 

Some staff members flustered and anxious about their pay rises because they felt they weren’t worth that much money, and they made it mean that they would have to work harder and stay back on weekends to be good enough to earn that much money. One of them came and said they’d prefer a pay cut!

Since consulting is a leverage model, we were rewarding their ability to build teams and deliver exceptional service to clients which bought integrity, reputation and greater earning capacity to the business as a whole.

They saw it as something else.

What does that tell you about money beliefs?

Limiting Beliefs about Money

The common beliefs that hold people back from earning what they’re worth, in a job or a business include things like:

  • I’m not good enough or I’m not worth that much
  • I don’t deserve it
  • I have to work hard to earn that much money
  • I’ll have to give up my personal life for that
  • People won’t pay that
  • People will think I’m greedy
  • People will compare me with X, and they’re better than me.
  • I can’t afford it.
  • I can’t earn any more, I’m at capacity.
  • I need someone to support me financially – I can’t do it on my own.
  • It’ll raise the bar and then I’ll have to maintain that.

What results do you think those sorts of thoughts create? They keep you stuck in a lack mentality, and what I call a pattern of pursuit. You keep doing the same thing over and over again, afraid of taking a risk or challenging your beliefs. So it’s pretty hard to reach the outcome you want.

One of my favourites that I’ve heard time and again from small business owners – “Oh, I’m not doing this to make money!”

What?

I have to call that out as total BS. The reason you run a business is to earn money. Sure you want to help people but you are also aiming to earn an income, right?

Your beliefs are what defines your experience with money. Your beliefs are what you need to change if you want to earn more. 

Affirming Beliefs about Money

So what WOULD you need to believe in order to create more money?

More affirming beliefs are things like:

  • I love money
  • There are lots of ways I can make money
  • I am learning to manage money
  • Money is paid where value is offered
  • I am worth it
  • I can learn skills that will add value to what I offer
  • I am good enough
  • What I do truly helps people
  • Money is just a numbers game
  • Money makes it possible to help more people.
  • Money is not about me.

Someone I know has gone from broke to millionaire about three times in her life already.

I find it very interesting to hear her beliefs around money. I have heard her say with confidence, ‘making money is EASY.’ I have also heard her say, ‘I’m not good with managing money.’

Can you see how those two beliefs link to her results?

She is always on the move, meeting people working out how to bring her products into the world, doing research and investing in her ideas. She believes that what she is doing will help people, and that it will be easy to sell.

And so far, she has proven herself right.

Then fears set in, things go wrong and the business folds; nothing do to with what is being sold, but always about how the money is managed.

Changing Beliefs About Money

If you want to create more money, you will need to start changing your beliefs about money.

You can also look at the four levels of money and from a logical perspective, get a handle on how to tweak your personal financial situation.

Then you need to look at ALL the things you are saying to yourself and rewire those mantras.

The easiest way to do this is a three step process.

First, you can journal an experience you have around money each day.

Second, you can write down the limiting beliefs that come up around the experience.

Third, you can challenge and question those beliefs, and re-write them in a more factual way.

Writing them down by hand makes it quicker and easier for your brain to ‘see’ what you want and to plug that into the reticular activating system – your brain’s GPS.

It’s essential that you truly believe your re-written statements. Otherwise you won’t adopt them.

Doing this as a daily process will subtly shift your perspective over time and open up new opportunities to create wealth.

Just like brushing your teeth, the rewards are not immediate and obvious, but over time, they will have a massive impact on what you think, feel, act and achieve.

 

Ready to change your beliefs about money?

You too could earn as much as you want! If you’re truly ready to break old habits and get out of the rut I encourage you to check out the Habitology membership.

Learn more here:

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