Posted on Leave a comment

Episode 91: Being Authentic

If you want to be more authentic, there are three things you need to do – create courage, be honest and act with integrity.

Nearly everyone I speak to wants to be more authentic. Authenticity is something most people value, and it is a key part of building strong personal and professional relationships.

But what does being authentic mean, and what does it involve?

I created this episode to help you understand what being authentic really means, the squeamish parts of being authentic, and the three things you need to do to start being more authentic.

What is Authenticity?

Authenticity means being yourself. It’s when your actions and words are congruent with your beliefs and values.

The VIA Institute on Character describes authenticity with this statement:

“I am honest to myself and others, I try to present myself and my reactions accurately to each person, and I take responsibility for my actions.”

VIA Institute on Character 

In other words, courage, honesty, and integrity are the three skills that create authenticity.

Here’s an example of what being authentic looks like.

One day I made a biriyani for dinner. My first one ever. We ate the meal and at the end, I asked my husband how he enjoyed it.

He said, firmly but kindly, “I really appreciate the effort you went to in making dinner, but I would prefer not to have this again. I don’t really like it, but I’m glad you tried it and am thankful you took the time to make a lovely meal.”

My first reaction was to feel deflated. He saw my face drop, and we talked about the importance of honesty.

It turned out that he didn’t want to pretend to like a meal then lie to about it later. It would mean that I’d made it again, thinking he liked it, and he’d have to lie again. He might become frustrated, or resentful about that.

It totally made sense to me, and I appreciated his honesty and courage and I could see that he was genuinely speaking with empathy and giving feedback from a place of love.

This one conversation opened a whole new way of thinking and personal growth for me.

It deepened our relationship and helped me to examine my own beliefs, thoughts and actions about honesty and integrity.

It helped me to identify the skills that I wanted to develop, so I could be more authentic.

As you can see it might be easy to assume that authenticity just happens.

But it doesn’t.

It’s more than just appearing to say something nice, or honest. 

Have you heard of the smell of fear? It’s a real thing. When we are afraid, we give off chemicals that send a warning to others.

If you have any fears, doubts or lack conviction in your beliefs and values, or are ‘faking it’ or hiding something, then you will be given away by your body chemistry, posture, tone of voice and facial expressions. Your body will contradict your so-called authenticity. 

Have you ever heard people say one thing and seen them do another?

Or have you ever had the sense that someone was lying to you?

How did that feel? 

And how did that affect your opinion of that person?

Authenticity is a wonderful thing but the fact is, being authentic can be challenging.

That’s because being authentic means that you need to be honest, to speak up for yourself, to voice an opinion, perhaps to be vulnerable, to expose something or to face a challenge.

Being authentic often requires us to develop certain skills, like courage.

If building relationships is important in your business and life, then it will serve you to improve your authenticity skills.

Let’s look at the three main skills of being authentic.

Courage

In interpersonal relationships, it’s courage that allows you to name what is happening to raise awareness, acceptance and understanding.

It’s when you can express observations, feelings, needs and requests and to shake up the status quo without offending, violating, blaming, shaming, or demeaning others.

For example: I don’t like it when you do X, it makes me feel Y. I would like it if you didn’t do that around me anymore.

If you have been in a cycle of people pleasing, it can be hard to find the language of courage, especially knowing that the other person may feel sad, disappointed or angry.

It’s about being able to stay on the right side of that fine line.

And let’s be clear: people pleasing is dishonest because it usually involves pretending to be someone that you’re not to meet someone else’s needs. It involves putting your own feelings and needs aside.

As you could guess, it takes courage to break out of that cycle and say no, or to be clear about what you will or won’t, can or can’t do.

If you have been in a cycle of people pleasing, it can be hard to find the language of courage, especially knowing that the other person may feel sad, disappointed or angry.

You will also need to learn to be ok with other people’s discomfort.

But courage is a powerful skill that can transform your relationships and build personal integrity.

I recommend that to build courage, you start with some small challenging situation in your life where you want to speak up for yourself or set a boundary, or a place in your business where you need to ‘show up’. 

Choose something that is just a little uncomfortable.

Then rehearse what you will say in that situation and how you will say it in a way that is calm, rational and non-judgemental.

Then schedule that into your diary and do it. Reflect on how it felt. Reflect on what you learned.

I promise you, if you do this one small thing, and do it regularly, you will build phenomenal courage, diplomacy, self-assurance and emotional balance.

Honesty

The second part of being authentic is being honest.

Honesty goes hand in hand with courage.

It means you are speaking the truth and more broadly, it means that you are presenting yourself in a genuine and sincere way, without pretence.

The research shows that honesty achieves more than just trust and positive relationships – it also helps you to set more accurate goals – in other words, goals that reflect your true values and interests.

When you set realistic goals, you can more easily achieve them, and this in turn builds self-confidence.

Honesty can be challenging because we are often afraid of the consequences; of hurting other people’s feelings, or of letting others down.

The most important thing you can be, though, is honest with yourself. If you aren’t happy about something, or if you are living out of alignment with what you believe in, then it’s going to create more tension within you than if you lie to protect the feelings of others.

This is worth thinking about.

And the truth is, if people can’t handle your honest and tactful truth, spoken diplomatically, then they are probably not your people.

Integrity

The third part of being authentic is integrity.

Integrity is when you are who you say you are and act consistently across all areas of your life, rather than behaving differently around different people.

Integrity is when you live your life in alignment with your values, morals and ethics.

It’s been described as ‘doing the right thing, even when no-one is looking.’

In other words, integrity is a personal choice.

And it is a choice that builds confidence, courage, and authenticity.

Here’s why.

When you live with integrity, you never have to question yourself or doubt yourself. You are doing what you know is right for you. 

And when you take responsibility and are accountable for your actions, other people will trust you and respect you.

You become a role model and develop a positive reputation.

I feel that it’s easier to forgive someone’s mistakes if they have integrity, because you know that they are coming from an authentic, honest place.

Integrity directly impacts on your success in life because it improves your chance of promotion, leadership and attractiveness, generally.

Right now, think about someone you know who seems to have a lot of integrity.

How do you feel about that person?

How much do you trust them?

What is it specifically that causes you to feel this way about them?

You can hone your integrity by being clear on your core values, your decisions and by developing your strengths.

For example, if your strongest values are around family, community, contribution, love and responsibility, then it makes sense that you will cultivate thoughts and actions that align with those values.

In another example, if your strongest values are around achievement, competitiveness, courage, hard work and helping society, then it makes sense that you would cultivate thoughts and actions that align more with those values.

Neither of those two people is better than the other, they are just different.

But if person B presented to be family-oriented, but was more interested in creating ventures that helped communities, you would easily identify the incongruence between words and actions.

Similarly, if person A said that they badly wanted to get promoted at work, they might secretly rather prefer to focus on their family and loved ones, and might not be able to get the promotion they say they want.

As you can see, one of the foundations of being authentic is being self-aware.

When you understand what your values are and what drives you, then it’s way easier to act congruently and to be authentic.

When you take responsibility and are accountable for your actions, other people will trust you and respect you.

Summary

Being authentic is a wonderful way to build personal and business relationships, to feel fulfilled, and to follow your purpose.

But it’s more than just saying certain things or acting in a way that impresses others.

Being authentic requires three core skills; courage, honesty and integrity.

When you are self-aware, and act consistently with your values across all areas of life, with honesty, you are well on the way to being authentic.

Ready to be more authentic?

When you understand what your values are and what drives you, then it’s way easier to act congruently and to be authentic. If you’re truly ready to break old habits and get out of the rut I encourage you to check out the Habitology membership.

Learn more here:

Posted on Leave a comment

Episode 53: Empowerment

high heels on chair

As a coach, I hear so many people talking about empowerment and empowering people. 

I tend to get on a bit of a rant about this topic so I wanted to do a podcast on it so we are all really clear on what empowerment is, exactly, and how to get it.

 

So what is empowerment?

Wikipedia says that empowerment refers to the actions you take to increase the degree of autonomy and self-determination in people, so they can act on their own authority.

It’s a process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially when it comes to taking control of your life and claiming your rights.

Being disempowered is obviously the opposite and it means that you feel less powerful or confident.

Why would we want empowerment? 

Simply because empowerment allows us to be who we are – our authentic selves – and feeling confident and competent about who we are and what we can do. 

Empowerment allows us to get what we want in life.

It allows us to speak up for ourselves and others, and to take charge.

When you feel empowered, you feel it in your body and mind.

In your body, feeling empowered gives you physical energy, enthusiasm and motion.

In your mind, feeling empowered gives you motivation, inspiration, positivity and a can-do attitude.

For me, feeling empowered makes me feel invincible and unstoppable, and this is how I personally love to feel.

It helps me to take action, to get things done, to achieve my goals, to make the most out of life, and to feel happy and fulfilled.

One of the reasons that so many people struggle to feel empowered these days is that they’re not really sure who they are, what they want or why they want it.

Why would we want empowerment? 

Simply because empowerment allows us to be who we are – our authentic selves – and feeling confident and competent about who we are and what we can do. 

Empowerment allows us to get what we want in life. It allows us to speak up for ourselves and others, and to take charge.

For me, feeling empowered makes me feel invincible and unstoppable, and this is how I personally love to feel. It helps me to take action, to get things done, to achieve my goals, to make the most out of life, and to feel happy and fulfilled.

When you feel empowered, you feel it in your body and mind. In your body, feeling empowered gives you physical energy, enthusiasm and motion. In your mind, feeling empowered gives you motivation, inspiration, positivity and a can-do attitude.

How do we get empowered?

Step 1 – Clarity

The first step to empowerment is getting clear on what you want. 

You need to know what you want in order to know what the steps are to getting there.

When you are clear on what you want, you know what you are are speaking up about. 

You know what you are striving to achieve. 

You know who you are and what something means to you. 

And importantly, when you know the destination, plan to get there unfolds more easily.

I think one of the reasons that so many people struggle to feel empowered these days is that they’re not really sure who they are, what they want or why they want it. 

And while these questions remain unanswered, you have an overwhelming sense of uncertainty and lack of confidence about your life. 

That is the opposite of empowerment.

Getting that clarity on your desires is that important first step. It creates excitement, a sense of conviction and a commitment to taking action.

In my Habitology membership, I find that most people need help constantly to get clarity on what they want. You can visit www.melaniejwhite.com/habitology if you want more info on that.

Step 2 – Winnable Goals that Build Confidence

The second step to empowerment is just start stretching yourself and getting uncomfortable so that you can start reaching small goals. 

The ability to set and achieve small goals builds confidence. 

And the more small goals you intentionally set and achieve, the more confident you will feel the greater sense of self you will have, and the more empowered you become.

It’s important to take small steps that are 100% winnable, so you win continuously. 

This is the fastest way to build confidence and self-efficacy – two important steps in feeling empowered.

Step 3 – Practice Believing in Yourself

The third step to empowerment is to start believing in yourself. 

It sounds crazy to say that. It seems like a huge task to suddenly start believing in yourself right? 

You’re right, it’s definitely not an overnight thing. 

To believe in yourself, you need to simply start practicing new thought patterns so they become a habit.

You need to start collecting your own evidence that you are capable of doing things.

That you are actively contributing to things and that you are creating results in your life and in other people‘s lives. 

Believing in yourself is tied up in the way you speak to yourself – that is, your opinion of yourself – and you need to proactively manage that.

Step 4 – Use Positive Language

The fourth step pulls it all together and creates a consistency and an upward spiral. 

It’s creating a positive dialogue with yourself. It’s about tuning up yourself talk.

Believing in yourself is tied up in the way you speak to yourself – that is, your opinion of yourself – and you need to proactively manage that. 

Positive thinking doesn’t just happen. In fact, around 70% of our automatic thoughts are negative. So you need to watch your thoughts and keep reframing them, switching them up, swapping your words.

After all, what would be the point in getting clear on your goals stretching yourself achieving small things and starting to believe in yourself, if your mind is still telling you how hopeless you are how useless you are or how you’re not worth it? 

It would be like doing all of this work and then shutting it down with negative self talk. It doesn’t make sense to do that, so the only answer is to work on your opinion of yourself so that you can change your beliefs about yourself really and truly.

Now let’s recap the process of empowerment.

Summary

Empowerment is all about increasing your autonomy and self-determination.

It’s a process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially when it comes to taking control of your life and claiming your rights.

I have outlined four steps for becoming empowered on your own terms.

Firstly, get clarity on a very specific outcome that you want, whether that’s who you want to be or something you want to achieve.

Secondly, work out the first simple, 100% winnable steps and start taking them.

Thirdly, practice believing in yourself by collecting evidence of all your wins, skills and strengths, including how you help others and yourself. 

Finally, watch your language and change it up so it’s focussing on what you can get and do have, rather than what you don’t have or can’t do. 

On that last point, to be more specific, if you talk to yourself about a more positive opinion of yourself, you’ll feel and become empowered much more quickly.

Ready to feel empowered?

Maybe it’s time for you to work out who you are, what you want and why you want it. If you’re truly ready to break old habits and get out of the rut I encourage you to check out the Habitology membership.

Learn more here: